“For a fat girl you are really beautiful”
“You dress really nicely, even though you are fat!”
“For being fat, you have a really nice face.”
Every fat person knows this dreaded compliment which isn’t a compliment at all. It hasn’t been said to me for a long time, and even if someone would imply something like that, I know I wouldn’t care anymore, because I know I am beautiful. Full stop. Not for a fat girl, not even though. Just beautiful. And everyone who begs to differ, can kindly fuck off.
Learning to take a compliment and not questions the intentions, the hidden thoughts or searching for the hint to discover the great big lie is a tough journey, but usually I am quiet good with it. I learned to believe that people don’t usually say nice things to you, if they don’t really mean them.
Strangely enough, in the last few weeks every time someone complimented my pole skills, told me how much stronger I look, how great I am doing, how flowy or pretty my moves look, it always left a strange aftertaste and I couldn’t quiet place what it was.
I turned this thought in my head for a bit, and finally it dawned on me, it was my own doubts, the mean voice who was adding “…for a fat girl”, to every comment and compliment I got. It was myself thinking ‘Well for being the fattest girl in class I am probably doing okay’. Constantly comparing my progress to the progress everyone else was showing, and always assuming, that no one really sees me, but always thinks about how my progress is good for a fat person, how I am doing a move okayish for the fact my big thighs might be in my way. It’s unfair on myself and everyone who takes the time to say something nice.
Obviously my body weight plays a part in all of this. Gravity is working harder on my spins, I have to push and pull a lot more weight than most of the Peaches in my group, and maybe I am not as strong as some of them or just not trained as much as someone else, before starting pole. But that doesn’t mean no one can see my personal progress, my strength or my weakness, the uniqueness I bring into poleing. So why is it so hard for me to accept a compliment just as what it is?
I think being labeled as unathletic and not fit all of my life definitely plays a big part in it. When I was in school I hated school sports and I sucked at most of it. But I used to go to swim training two times a week, learning to be a life guard and I rode my bike to school every day, still I never ever considered myself as fit, because being fat and being fit just didn’t work out together in my head.
It’s one thing to let go of that thought in general, but apparently another thing is to actually stop believing those fat-hating rules because they don’t apply to your own life anymore. I want to let go of the thought that everyone judges me, but it’s fucking hard in a world where fat people are stigmatized, harassed or discriminated on a daily basis. I don’t yet have a solution, but I will try to remind myself every time I hear the “…for a fat girl” pop up in my head, that I am not good for a fat girl, but that I am just good.